Dialogue V

He woke disoriented, anxious

couldn’t remember why

it came to him slowly
he was between places

his feet were aching and swollen
there hadn’t been space to lay his treasures

he hadn’t been feeling quite right
for a while, didn’t recognise himself

it was causing all kinds of trouble
in his relationships

in fact, it was the one thing his wife had yelled
when she opened the door and asked him to leave

said he was no longer the same man she married
he was an apathetic scarecrow sitting frozen on the couch

he thought, she’s right
and something that felt important coiled tightly in his chest

years later, her description took on a different meaning as he listened to a neurologist explain early Parkinson’s

the bag slung around their shoulders
seemed to be stopping their arm swing

they made a mental note
to grab the backpack instead

the one from their holiday in Fiji
that first trip when they’d felt strangely slow

when it had become clear they were suffering exhaustion
probably from their recent break-up

kindly, their sister had arranged another week at the resort
they spent the time resting in the sun and sleeping

in the end though, staying at the resort for longer
hadn’t changed much

their energy never picked up
despite a self-care routine

eventually their tiredness would become crippling
and one day in the middle of the night they would awake

feeling as if a switch had been flicked inside their body
which would from that moment on hum and shake

he was excited about the day ahead
he was illustrating an interesting new project

it was all about early Parkinson’s disease
he had been studying what he could find on the subject

there wasn’t much on how it felt to live with the condition
but he had been working with the lead on the project

she had early Parkinson’s and they had talked for hours
while he drew and she made notes for her poems

he was surprised at how much information he had digested
even so, he wondered if he could claim any real knowledge

he didn’t live with the disease himself, after all
that did worry him

but his worry would be set aside
when the work was finished and he could see his story

of collaboration, of being a well person willing to listen
willing to make space for those not yet acknowledged

inspiring others to do the same
that meant a lot

to offer support to people facing obstacles
to be more aware of all kinds of chronic illnesses

that mattered
he was sure of that

she always looked forward to the end of the day
when everyone was asleep and she checked the day’s writing

she enjoyed tracing movement in the project
looking over its shapes and sounds

she found the cube shape in the illustrations reassuring
at times, even calming

yet, sometimes the repeating squares were darkly ominous
casting shadows or becoming shadows themselves

reminding her how the world could be so different suddenly
sky and ground could be indistinct

things of great presence
could suddenly be absent

or change again and again
the world was never still

sometimes I wake in the night / wondering
is the world / breaking apart am I falling / where am I really
me too, I can be perfectly happy as I tuck / into bed
then I wake trying / to find my footing only to realise

I’m without foundations / for me
it’s a feeling of being / between / neither here or there
disorientated caught in a dissolving / reality
yes it’s like I can’t tell what is / sky

or ground reality / shifts
my step forward becomes a step / back
you know what stands / out to me though
when we get together talking / candidly

we can decide on what it all means

we are multidirectional
never one way
facing everything at once
transforming uncertainty
at the far edges
squeezed in-between
a remarkable feat
of strength
resilience

agreed, we can give it / weight
or let it float weightlessly
box it up and pack / it away
or keep / the box open and share

the important thing is we are not / victims
we are not waiting / for drifting stone
or the ground to choose / a timber
we are not spilled / ink splattering